A Sinful Life

"Great losses often bring only a numb shock. To truly plunge a victim into misery, you must overwhelm him with many small sufferings." -Ratadrabik of Urborg

It has been a while since I last updated my blog, today my entry would be a message to a certain person.

From here I’ll start my message:

First of all, I want to thank you for being with me for the past few days. To tell you the truth, I feel lost. I knew that currently I have no one to lean on but you were there. Also it was very selfish of me not telling you about the things that are bugging my mind. Sorry for all the troubles and inconviniences that I have brought upon you.

Our relationship as good friends ended more than three years ago. Also I could not say that we are friends again. Basically you know what I mean. As far as I wanted myself to believe that we are good friends again, the possibility that you just entertain me due to two persons we both know popped at my mind.

I wanted to cry like a child who fell in his bike. I didn’t expect to see your old self.  Little by little I want to understand you like I do before. I know that your peers don’t understand you at all. Also they don’t understand or know me. Your peers are going no where and there sense of direction is quite misleading. You might not know but I see that you’re trying to pull some of your strings away from their grasps. I feel a little silly that I still know a part of you.

If you would ask me if I love you?

I’ll answer that I can’t love you. I assume that you do not or will not love me and I don’t want to lose my heart to someone who doesn’t love me.

Way back I was young until almost 4 years ago I’m distant with in my relationships with everyone, I don’t trust anyone either. It wasn’t primarily beacuse of you that I’ve changed but your part of the big picture. More than two years ago I gave my trust to someone, my trust was broken yet I continue to give my full trust again and again. Until some time and eventually today I am somewhat again distant with in my relationship with everyone, I somewhat don’t trust anyone either.

As you could see, I wanted to trust you. But again I am lost. I don’t know if I wanted to walk away from you or to have you walk again by my side.

Again I would like to thank you for being there. I know that there is not even 1% that you’ll read this. That is why this is only little of what I wanted to say to you.

It tooks years to mend a broken friendship.. and just took a joke to destroy it once again…

Before the year 2006 ended, I held a question all to myself. Now I would want some to know it.

And the question is:

"Now that I have almost everything that I’ve wanted, Why do I feel sad?"

for almost 3 years, a friendly relationship turned into a sad and silent war. and last December  16, it finally ended…

yet I cannot tell myself that this is true… nor convince myself that everything is now ok…

There were times that I’m with my former close friend before the year ended. We were together. And I was hoping that we would get along each other like we did before. Yes, we were together but I felt that only I wanted us to be friends again.

quote: "magkasama kami pero parang wala naman siya, mahirap para sa akin na umasa na babalik pa ang pagkakaibigan namen lalo na ramdam ko na hindi niya pa ako gusto maging kaibigan."

I believe that there is no such thing as coincidence, what there is inevitable. And is it inevitable that even numbers do try link us together.

Last night, sad to say, I ruined our little peace with a single text message joke…  I guess we are not yet good friends again…

Look likes you won’t be really keeping the promise you made last January 24 (years ago)..

I kept my promise…

Kailangan ba ng konting alcohol para lang makapagtala…

Yes… upset ako… galit ako… I feel so fucking shit…

Again it is earlier to write than to say… Also it is easier said than done…

For the past few weeks, I have visions of myself… Sadly I ignored those warnings… It was my fault, my hope and faith that they would be or are good friends of mine… Unfortunately those chances I gave were only wasted… Wasted… Wasted… Wasted…

Nakakainis, dapat nakinig ako kay Ruth 3 years back… dapat nakinig ako sa advice ng aking anak… Bakit nga ba hindi ako nakinig… Dahil umasa ako na may pag-asa pang maging sincere sila…

Dapat di ko kinalimutan un sinabi ni Justin, 3 years back din… Pero anong nangyari, isa na siya sa kanila… Isa na siya sa kanila o napasama na siya sa kanila… sa mga taong wag ko daw kakaibiganin…

So after ilan months na hindi ko sila nakakasama bakit lately kasama ko sila ulet… Getting straight, magdedeny pa ba ako… I wanted to end my fight with Justin… Positive thinking, siguro to keep me away from them… Ngayon the fight has finally ended after more than 2 years… Yeah ended na pero tama nga siya anong sense na magkasundo kami, mukhang nandun pa rin un silent war sa amen… At para dun sa mga kasama namen, I get disappointed almost every now and then, specially nun nabanggit ko c Allen, wala nga ba silang pinagsamahan ni Allen, o ang pagkakaibigan nila kay Allen ay tulad ng kay Hecker…

Going back 3 years ago ulet… Digital LG Quiz… before the contest proper began… I had a little chit-chat with Hecker… And he wanted to win para may money silang pang-ragnarok… Parang ang babaw… pero actually kung iisipin he wanted to win to assure na makakasama niya sila for a longer period of time… So is it moneys that could buy you friends? For me, a companion maybe but a friend no…

sowee tutol, wala na yata un effecto un ininom ko kanina… to be continued na lang may ka-chat me…

"Don’t mourn for me. This is my destiny." - Gerrard

Yes is it my destiny?…

Don’t you ever forget… don’t you ever forget… I promised to be a good man…

That I no longer belong to the twisted world I created…

Then why do I struggle?

Is this karma for the sins I have committed?

Why do I mourn… Why do his words go round and round my head? I must have learned something… the lesson he told about three years ago is true… That I must stop my foolishness and open my eyes and be wise… Is it crime and punishment, unfortunately does the law allow me to be mercyful?

One of the very first lesson, I knew about this world is in making a decision, one should use his head over his heart… But what happened to that lesson??? Bended by my childish desires… the same desires that brought the pain to my melted heart today…

Blinded by my faith that somewhere and somehow my former bestfriend would see the light… That pride is one of the seven deadly sins… that it was never too late for someone to say sorry…

Well what could I say… I’m a man who… I’m one of those people who seek to find someone they would love… I’m hungry that’s it…

time by time I am seeking for things that I never lost perhaps this is because I never had them and I assumed to have them in the past. To think and to reminise that would be my fault… to think forward that would be another story…

The calm comes after the storm.

No sense? hehehe

It has been a year and three days since I have had a group called peer…

Technically how do I feel at present?

Exactly I feel sad… real sad… there is no other description that could best fit to my scenario…

By the way I act, perhaps you would probably say that I’m happy… I’m free and careless… dO i NEED to say more… my life in the span of 368 days revolved in the gaming world…

it was my lapse… it was also my pride… and I tried to live my life as happy as I can…

My heart is grieving… yet I did not shed a tear… I simply can’t… cannot show that I’m weak…

strength…  I get it from my sadness… I really don’t know…

I feel that something is missing inside me… what am I missing…

It has been a long while yet nothing really does change or should I say everything changes unexpectedly.

During the past weeks I would consider myself in the weakling category. I know at that time and also at current time that I cannot be what I try to project…

The big deal is I haven’t really tried hard at all. Guess I’m still the lazy little decent minded teen, who used to play around with his toys. Every little thing hissed into my ever curious mind and stuck me to my last blink of consciousness. My dirty and heinous mind always suspects, theories created and then still remained as damn theories. Now like before I am still corrupted by what I labeled as pernicious deeds.

The bottomline would be I’m not that responsible; I’m not attractive; I’m not that flexible; I’m not that wise; I’m not that powerful; I’m not that courageous; I’m not that blissful; I’m not that decisive; I’m not that great; I’m not that intuitive; I’m not that witty; I’m not that respectful; I’m not that perfect; and I’m not what others think of…

In my entire life, there were times that it would be preferably better to just keep to myself what I feel. Whether it was anger, fear, love or else. But once, I did dare to finally see the picture. The caricature of what I’m going to face. The consequences of my action. Knowingly today I would end up in a different scenario if and only if I held it to myself. Perhaps I’m in a happier frame.

So now is hell endothermic or exothermic? So does this question related to the written above… then how much will I pay for x?

I found myself guilty…

Guilty of laziness… Guilty of mistakes… Guilty of Sins… Guilty of selfishness… Guilty of hunger… Guilty of pride…

Guilty of loving someone in my past… ALso guilty of loving someone who can never be mine…

I wasn’t able to do my best as a result my grades were obviously low…

My mind was still not focus… damn it has been a long time already…

Now the question is will I continue to love again…

Or just think to be more directed at more important things like schooling…

I’ll crack… eventually I need some peers…

Anong magagawa ko wala me barkada dun…

Just hours ago I feel so relieve… kahit paano na kakausap ko kakambal ko… at kagabi best friend ko… Hirap nasa malayo kayo hehehe

checking my celphone wala naman importanteng nagtext… Am I hoping for someone to text me… Maybe yes… I am hoping for some persons to text me…

I’m old… yeah old enough to make my own decision…

Yet I still do some foolish shits and go around acting like an immature being…

Oh… nothing really last…my capabilities are slowing disappearing…

WHat will I do…

Maybe sleep and hope to wake with a better tomorrow…

It took me 11 days before I finally updated my blog…

A sinful life…

Lately and recently I hate to admit that I’m on a bad study habits…

I was altered by the rain last Wednesday…

I’m breathing… the rain keeps on pouring and it was quite hard…

The time is 2030, my  joyful and relieving math discussions with Dr. Silva and company had just finished…

On my way back… I was brisk walking… I need to move fast… It is obviously raining and I got nothing prepared…

After several minutes as I approach the 7-11 convienient store, a stranger popped out from the entrance…

In my hurry, I was only able to make a quick glympse…

He looks familiar, someone I knew…

I kept on walking… until he went toward me and offer me a space in his umbrella…

Without further second thought, I said thanks… Followed by the request, "Wag na, baka nakakaabala pa ko sa iyo…"

Unexpectedly I was tickled by his response, "Nakakaawa ka baka magkasakit ka"

I didn’t take another look at his face, I just kept on walking straight… In the short walk came conversations until I finally reached my dorm…

I felt a little special at that point… "Imagine hinatid pa ko hanggang sa dorm ko, eh dun pa siya sa kanto before ang dorm ko…"

At that point I wasn’t able to identify him, I felt a little sorry…

But that moment I felt like it was my birthday… Sure-pass in Math053 and someone cares for me after some time… hehehe it was Gerome’s birthday…

A day after…

I wake up very late… It was already 1130…

After some hours I was engaged with the game Battle Ship in War Craft 3… during the process, the countless tease from my frog bring forth the devilish attitude of mine…

My LORENZO101, after Lorenzo hahaha… It is the ignore till death… hehehe…

Things just messed messed up… hours later, the next day 0210…

LORENZO101 still in effect as I ignore my frog…

Now I am only wishing for the passing in Math053 to increase… You might call me selfish but I just want some people to learn their lessons… hahaha…

My frog will not pass anyway… 35% pa lang siya, 20% lang ang finals, passing 60%, dasal na lang siya ibaba sa 55%… GRrrrr… I’m Bad…. I’m Evil

My visions during the first two weeks of the term is slowly becoming noticeable… Will it really occur?

My heart and my soul cannot coexist…

After a long time, all I could say is I’m tired…

Until now I look at myself, It resembles a funny looking guy…

Seeking something that cannot be mine…

I’m such a fool, nothing really changes….

Last night an odd person told me that I’m serious. Am I a serious person? Hahaha… How I wish I could just be one. Serious with my studies so I could achieve high grades… And not looking back at some issues…

Today I have nothing… I dont have the numbers also I do not have the statistics… Perhaps it is simply me all alone in my cradle…

My heart is afraid to open its gate. Eventhough the feeling is obvious but no one bothers to reveal…

With a snap of a finger you might not even know that it’s gone… Everything is gone with the wind…

Ah… It has been a while…

The tension has finally build up…

I’m now again in my own wrongly created world…

Still waiting for someone to simply ask, ""miss me?"

Day by day, nothing really changes…

*With a still mind, I come to theorized that you don’t fucking need me… sorry for the harsh word…

*Also I don’t really need you either…

*literally speaking especially to 4 persons, yeah I think 4 persons…

Branded long time ago as someone with a stone heart (thanks to the school’s guidance), I probably would like to turn out that way again… hehehe…

I’m not anymore that heartless freak, thanks to someone who used to know me and I used to know. For in all circumstances I would like to shout at that imp, you don’t know me anymore and you really do not know me!!!!

Suddenly with alll the current twists, Ahem there is a small possibility for a cold-hearted individual be revived inside of me…

So selfish of me to think this way… Hey I need to be selfish once in a while…

For the meantime this perhaps is how I want to play this game called life, with a kicker…